Hitting The Fan
In the past people have occasionally accused me of talking shit. But nobody can say I'm not serious about my subject. In fact you could say I have a Masters degree in coprology! In recent months I have been busy writing a paper (toilet paper, obviously) entitled "What Really Happens When the Shit Hits the Fan ?". Clearly one needs to define one's terms and my approach was as scientific as it could be.Firstly I decide to confine my researches to three types of fan:i) Electric fansii) Cricket and/or football fans (depending on which one is in season at the time) andiii) Hand held fans i.e. Of the kind which is fluttered by demure young ladies in period dramas Secondly there was a need to be able to grade various kinds of shit according to size, weight, malleability and viscosity.
This required the use of expensive scientific instruments and so I equipped myself with -electronic scales, a pestle and mortar, an engineer's measure, a sieve, packet of rubber gloves shower cap and safety glasses (call me a fashion victim if you like. It's my choice.)I set up a standard desktop fan (this one had a safety grille which, although removable, I chose to leave on for the purposes of the experiment). I then ate six cans of a discount brand of baked beans and sat down to watch some old Boris Karloff movies. The horror films had the desired effect and within ten minutes I was shitting myself with fear (OK so I'm a scaredy cat too, so what?). Shortly thereafter I was busy gathering what we shall term "material" in readiness for experiment numero uno.The fan was switched onto its highest setting (moderate breeze or number one on the Beaufort scale for any budding meteorologists reading this).
I rolled the first turd* and verified its weight as 200 grammes or about half a pound if you are still using NASA units of measurement. I then fired the missile from a distance of ten feet using a modified crossbow (patent pending) designed by yours truly (talented or what?). The "chocolate cannonball" hit the fan absolutely dead centre. Approximately twenty percent of its mass clung to the outside of the safety grille. Eighty percent reached the blades.And a staggering one hundred percent was flung off into the office where the tests were being conducted.
I apologised to the executives in the immediate vicinity and retired for a shower.Following the first experiment, office based tests had to be put on hold for a temporary period. There were three main problems. Firstly it was proving very difficult to get funding for my experimental endeavours. Usually when you request financial support for work of the kind which I do, people think you are talking out of your arse. I suppose they are right in a way .
. . Secondly there were some technical refinements to attend to; certain brands of beans result in missiles of far too watery a consistency. And thirdly there was an ongoing legal problem. Something to do with an office manager's dry cleaning bill and my reply that he had signed a waiver and had been given plenty of prior warning of all possible consequences.
It annoys me. It really does. They all want free publicity in the local press but as soon as anything goes wrong they don't want to know you.That's science for you, I guess.My next experiment involved one of the popular nineteenth century style ladies fans. Always striving after authenticity (or authentishitty?) in all things, I cautiously approached the local amateur dramatics society which was happy to supply a victim. Sorry, that should be "volunteer".
For health and hygiene reasons the volunteer wore a full face motorcycle helmet and bikers leathers. The fan she held was twenty centimetres in height and described an arc of sixty degrees when fully opened. It was held at an angle of ninety degrees to the ground and with the volunteer peeping demurely over the top just to make things more realistic. For this experiment I had conscientiously prepared five "missiles" in the comfort of my own home the previous evening. The first one was launched from twenty feet away.
The results were better than I could ever have anticipated. The fan went flying , the motorcycle helmet's visor crack'd from side to side and the volunteer was left sprawled in a heap on the stage.After beating a hasty retreat I concluded that the missiles had probably been baked for too long (one can never be too sure when using electric ovens) thus resulting in devastating ballistic qualities. Although my theatre season ticket has now been revoked I am hoping for a reply from NATO with a view to providing member countries with a regular supply of "missiles" in the event of future global conflicts. I finally turned my attention to conducting tests with sports fans. Football fans might prove to be too much of a challenge, I decided.
Dealing with irate office staff or theatre luvvies is one thing (actually it's two aren't they???) but being surrounded by lagered up soccer supporters could be a little less pleasant. Besides, if I timed it right I reckoned I could get a trip to the Caribbean out of it. So, cricket fans it would be . . .Footnote: The experiment went as well as could be expected, bearing in mind how well all theprevious ones had gone.
I am writing this from a hospital bed in what the local police have advised me must remain an undisclosed location in the West Indies. I hope to be sufficiently recovered to be able to return home in a few weeks time. As for the results of my third and final experiment . . .The missiles had to be fired very discreetly in order to avoid any repeat of previous problems.
So I launched them from my seat in the cricket ground and watched to see what would happen. The batsman hit the first one and immediately on impact it disintegrated into mere dust. I suppose he must have thought he had hit a six because he started to run for the opposite wicket. However, this was when the other team's fast bowler was just coming out. He seized his chance with both hands and promptly bowled the errant batsman out.
The crowd went wild. . .And as it turns out, turds ain't half as hard as cricket bats!!!* Please note: this is not an officially recognised SI unit..
San Diego Video Production 'A Home for the Holidays'
(ContentDesk) November 14, 2005 -- The holiday season means many different things but to a group of San Diego children its a reminder of what theyve never had; a family. The seventh annual CBS special A Home for the Holidays features top Hollywood stars and musicians mixed with adoption stories.The show includes interviews and footage with children of all ages who are waiting to be adopted. This San Diego video production was a mini-movie set involving multiple cameras and a crew of twenty. Kurt Snider and Solana Productions coordinated and shot the segments. Taping in a city park proved to be a challenge.
One neighbor continually complained about the noise from a generator. And then towards the end of the shoot it mysteriously malfunctioned. But a quick thinking gaffer saved the day by running extension cords to more agreeable neighbors homes.Children ranged in age from 5 to 15. Their stories were varied but had one thing in common; the desire to leave group homes and foster...
San Diego Video Production 'A Home for the Holidays'
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How to Be Healthy and Happier At Work
Many office-based workers do not realise that the environment they spend a majority of their working week in, may not be good for their health. Have you ever experienced headaches, respiratory infections, asthma or fatigue? Do these ailments occur at work? What happens when you go on holiday or at the weekends, do they still occur or do they miraculously disappear? You'll often find people's desk drawers contain a variety of pills and potions to alleviate the ailments they experience at work. John's Story John commenced work in a large open plan office a few months ago. He had been promoted from Team Leader in another division to the Manager of this new department. Since that time he has been continually unwell.
He went on holiday for two weeks and all his ailments disappeared. A week later he returned to work and again he became sick. This of course greatly affected his productivity because when you feel unwell you don't feel like doing much work?no matter how motivated you usually...
How to Be Healthy and Happier At Work
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KUA.net Launches Child Internet Safety Program
Kissimmee, FL (ContentDesk) October 27, 2005 -- KUA.net, the telecommunications division of Kissimmee Utility Authority, on Oct. 26 launched a free safety program designed to equip children with the skills they need to safely navigate the Internet.Most parents know that the Internet can be a valuable resource for their children. What they might not know, however, is that children can encounter dangerous situations on the Web -- from viewing inappropriate materials to being asked for face-to-face meetings with strangers.Through skits, music and storytelling, the 60-minute safety program addresses topics involving the safe use of the Internet, email, instant messaging and chatrooms. The program also provides important information on the use of passwords and the protection of personal information."As an Internet provider in our community since 1998, KUA.net has a responsibility to share both the benefits and dangers of the Internet," said Jef Gray, vice president of the utility's information...
KUA.net Launches Child Internet Safety Program
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Car Stereo Speakers
Car speakers are an integral part of the car radio system. Their function is to absorb the signals from the power amplifier and deliver them to you. There are three components that speakers in delivering sound ? tweeters, woofers, and midrange drivers.
The tweeter and the woofer manage low and high frequency sounds, respectively. As the name implies, the midrange drivers manage the midrange frequency.
You need to choose the amplifier and woofer based on your car speaker and what you want to install in terms of a car stereo system. Mostly, speakers are installed with other components in such a way that they produce the maximum sound.
But remember that others may be inconvenienced because of these "noise makers," as they are sometimes referred to.
You can opt for different kinds and brands for the front and rear end speakers so that they blend perfectly to produce superior quality sound.
For example, you can choose Oxygen sphere...
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Drivingaroundaustralia.com Now Offers Dave Jeane's Guide for a Tour Around Australia by Car and Caravan as an Ebook
(ContentDesk) July 9, 2005 -- Mr. Jeanes said that with today's world wide interest in Australia, its unpolluted environment, wide open spaces, impressive scenery and exotic wildlife, it was now time for an electronic version of his successful book."The ebook format has been chosen for international distribution since it can be purchased over the internet and downloaded instantly at any time of the day, wherever in the world" said Mr. Jeanes. He said: "Cost of printing and shipping are now drastically reduced since the purchaser can read the ebook on his/her computer screen or print it out partly or in whole, in full colour or black and white"The ebook contains a myriad of information on how to make the trip around Australia by car and caravan effortlessly. During the second time Dave and his wife Pam made the "trip of a lifetime", he took notes of road conditions, caravan parks, weather conditions, places to visit and took hundreds of photos - of which 125 are included in the ebook...
Drivingaroundaustralia.com Now Offers Dave Jeane's Guide for a Tour Around Australia by Car and Caravan as an Ebook
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Easy Songwriter gives new hope to Idols hopefuls
Pretoria, South Africa (ContentDesk) December 5 2003--Easy-song-writing.com gives new hope to aspiring artists and songwriters with the release of 'Easy Songwriter', a software program that helps music lovers write songs quickly and easily. Anyone can write and record songs even without playing an instrument. Idols hopefuls now have a better change of success when they master the art of song writing. Songs are composed by singing or humming melodies using a microphone. Portions of the melody can be re-recorded until the user is satisfied with the end result.
Lyrics and chords are then entered and synchronized with the music. The final vocals are recorded 'Karaoke style' while the music is playing. The program provides step-by-step guidance throughout the song writing process. The software generates backtracks based on chord progressions from previously popular hit songs. This method of 'music first, then lyrics' is applied by most leading songwriters in the world.Upcoming artists...
Easy Songwriter gives new hope to Idols hopefuls
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Hitting The Fan photo printer Electric generator
Types of Batteries
Are you confused by the terms thrown around on batteries.such as Magnesium or Zinc-Carbon? We will walk you through a brief definition of each type of Alkalinee Batteries. Types of alkaline non-rechargeable batteries include: Zinc-Carbon. Zinc-carbon cells, also known as "Leclanch?" cells, were the first widely used household batteries. Rated at 1.5 volts per cell, they are much lower in cost compared to alkalines, but also have a lower energy density. Available in AAA, AA, C, D and 9-volt sizes,...
Types of Batteries
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Electric generator
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